Absolut Motherfucker

By Patt

Email: Patt


December 20th

Major Crime's bullpen was quiet and very nervous. They knew that the grump was on his way up and no one was in the frame of mind for his ill-tempered moods.

Megan Conner stood up and said, "I’m just about had it with him. Tonight is the christmas party and I feel like we should all say something to him. It’s not our fault that he’s jonesing for Sandy."

Simon stood up and bellowed, "Way too much information, Conner."

"We all know it, sir. He’s a chicken shit." Rafe said bravely, which was easy to do with no Jim Ellison in sight. Everyone had a quiet quick laugh at this statement.

"I have an idea." Brown said in a whisper.

"What?" Simon asked.

"I know of some wild drinks, with wild names, that describe his moods lately, so we could give him one every so often and get him good and drunk. When Sandburg comes around, Jim will have no control over what he says or does." Henri almost laughed at the idea of what they planned to do.

Megan jumped up when she saw Ellison head out of the lift and said, "Count me in."

"Me too." Simon said as he almost ran into his office to hide.

"Does no one work around here anymore?" Ellison asked like the grouch that he was. "And does anyone know where my partner is?"

"Hey Ellison, I’m not in charge of him this week. Go yell at someone else." Brown said angrily.

"Sorry, Henri. I just wondered where he was so I guess I’ll go and ask Simon if he’s seen him."

Jim walked to the door and knocked three times and walked in. "Simon, do you know where Sandburg is?"


"And where would that be, sir?"

"He asked for some personal time off to buy a special Christmas present for someone." Simon admitted.

"Figures he would leave all of the paperwork for me and forget about the Christmas party." The grouch muttered.

"Well, you better look again, because while you were in court today, he finished all of the paperwork and he said he’d meet us at Sullivan’s for the Christmas party."

Standing up and looking out the window, Jim sighed. "I’m sorry, sir. I know I’ve been a bear and I’ll try and get control of the situation from now on."

"It’s okay, Jim. Just don’t do it all the time because we’re getting tired of it. Go home and get ready for the party."

"Yes, sir. We’ll see you at 7:00." Jim walked out of his office and noticed everyone was trying to pretend they were busy so he wouldn’t yell at them. Sighing again, he walked to the lift. "See you all tonight at the party."

"Bye, Ellison." Conner said almost running for the break room.

Jim knew that was his sign; that it was time to leave. He hated Christmas and thought about how much he hated it all the way down to the parking garage.

It all started when Jim realized he was in love with his very straight, and available to all women, partner. That had been about six months ago and he hadn’t dated since. He kept waiting for a sign from Blair showing him he had feelings for him too. But he wasn’t that lucky, in fact, quite the opposite. Blair seemed to be dating more than his share of women. Never more than once and Jim often wondered why that was. Didn’t Blair want to settle down some day? Didn’t he want to have a family? It didn’t matter anymore because Jim didn’t have a chance. Not once did the younger man ever date a guy, so Jim would never make his move.


Jim arrived home and showered, shaved and dressed for the Christmas party that he really didn’t want to go to. But he did anyway and had his packages ready for the kids. This year, Simon had decided that instead of buying stupid shit for each of the officers, they would instead pick one family on the list and buy something for each of the children. Jim had chosen a family with four kids. He got them clothing and toys. He loved that part of the holidays, but he hated the part about being alone.

As he drove across town, he kept thinking about how much he loved Blair Sandburg. Who would have thought that he would swing towards men again after all of these years? Maybe that’s why he didn’t do that well with any of the women he was with. He was going to have to start dating again and he knew he didn’t want anyone other than Blair, so he guessed he would settle for women. //Oh hell, I don’t need to date at all, damn it.//

When he arrived at Sullivan’s at 7:00, he walked to the back room and carried his packages for Santa Simon to take to the big party the next day.

Everyone smiled when they saw him and he felt guilty. He’d been taking his moods out on them and felt bad about that. He was determined to have a good time tonight and not upset anyone.

"Hey Jim, come on over and sit down." Simon almost ordered.

"Let me just get a drink first." Jim said starting to head over to the bar.

"I’ll do it, Ellison. I have the perfect drink for you and it’s got the perfect name too. So sit and relax and let Henri take good care of you."

"Thanks, H." Jim sat down and looked around to see what the catch was, but everyone seemed to be happy and having a good time. It was time to stop worrying and just have a good one too.

When Henri walked back into the room he stood before Jim and said, "This drink was made special just for you and named for you too. It’s an Absolut Motherfucker."

Everyone burst out laughing but Jim. "Thanks a lot, Henri."

"Just drink it, Ellison, and see if you can relax long enough to figure out what’s in the drink."

Jim took a sip and coughed. Simon pounded him on the back and said, "Are you all right, Jim?"

"Just fine. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. Okay, I’ll drink a little more and tell you what’s in it."

They all sat and nursed their Cokes and Seven Ups and watched Jim drink his drink. Jim didn’t even notice that no one else was drinking.

Jim leaned his head back, closed his eyes and said, "It has Absolut Citron Vodka, Crown Royal, Peach Schnapps, Triple Sec, Orange Juice and Pineapple Juice. How’s that, Henri?"

"That’s exactly right, man. You’re good at this." Henri gave him a big smile.

Jim smiled back and said, "Thank god this is a small drink because it’s really strong. But it’s also really good. Thank you. I’m a little more relaxed now."

"Good, that was the plan, Stan." Henri said as they all laughed, including Jim.

When he finished his drink, Conner got up and said, "This one’s on me."

"Why is everyone being so nice to me when I’ve been such a prick at work lately?" Jim asked.

As Conner started to walk to the bar she called out, "That’s what friends are for."

Jim felt pretty tingly from that first drink, but he also felt relaxed and happy for the first time in ages. This might be a good night after all.

When Conner walked in with his drink she said, "Same deal as Henri’s. This is a special drink made just for you, with a name that is perfect for you. This one is called Dickhead’s Delight."

Another round of laughter was heard, but this time Jim laughed along with them. He took a drink and made a face. "Conner, this is wrong on so many levels. I can see the Kahlua and the rum, but why would anyone put chocolate milk and whipped cream in a mixed drink?"

"Jimbo, you are really good at this. Now drink up. That’s part of the deal to loosen up and party hearty." Conner said with a smile on her face.

Everyone talked and laughed as they watched Jim drink the drink, but make faces the entire time. They all knew he didn’t care for that one.

"So, Jim, you having a good time?" Rafe asked.

"Yeah, I’m having a great time. Does anyone know where Sandburg is? He should have been here by now." Jim was starting to feel the effect of the drinks. They might be small, but they were very potent.

"It’s my turn to go and get your next drink, are you ready, big boy?" Rafe teased.

"Bring it on, Rafe."

So Rafe went and got the next drink and asked to have it made smaller so Jim wouldn’t get so drunk that he would be useless by the end of the night. He walked back into the room and handed Jim his drink and said, "This is called a Cluster Fuck. I thought it described your life lately and maybe you would want to change a few things now and then."

Everyone laughed and Jim took a small drink. "Hot damn, this is good. This is very good. I taste Tennessee Whiskey, Bourbon, Tequila, Light Rum, Butterscotch Schnapps and Apple Schnapps. Wow, this one’s making my head feel funny."

They laughed and talked some more and watched Jim slowly drink his drink. They knew he was slowing down but it didn’t matter. They could all see the effects coming on.

When Jim finally finished he said, "I wish Sandburg was here. He would love this."

"He’ll be here soon enough, Jim. Now let me go and get your next drink." Joel said with a laugh.

When Joel walked back in the room he noticed Jim was a little flushed and hoped they weren’t giving him too much to drink. They only had to wait until 9:00 when Blair would arrive. Joel leaned over Jim and said, "This is a Fucked Up Motherfucker."

Jim slid off his chair onto the floor laughing his ass off. It took Simon and Joel to get him back into his chair.

Joel said, "Maybe you’ve had enough, Jim."

"Hey, I’m a big boy. I know when I’ve had enough." He started to drink and said, "Joel, this is the weirdest drink I’ve ever tasted in my life. It’s Bacardi Rum and Jaggermeister. Very odd mixture. I am going to be a fucked up mother fucker." And he slid out of the chair again.

"Jim, do you want to get up or do you want to just stay on the floor?" Simon asked as they lifted him up again. Jim was still laughing.

"Where is Sandburg?"

"He’s coming at 9:00, so you only have to wait for about 38 minutes, Jim." Simon said calmly.

"Good, because I really miss him when he’s gone."

Everyone began to laugh and realized this was the first time they had seen Jim drunk, ever. It was a nice change of pace.

Simon looked over at the empty glass and said, "My turn. I’ll be right back."

"Want me to go with you, Simon?" Jim asked drunkenly.

"No, I can handle it, Jim. Just relax."

Jim started to tell them all how much he missed Sandburg, again, and made them all laugh once again. When Simon came walking in with the drink he handed it to Jim and said, "This is called Absolutely Screwed."

Everyone watched Jim’s face as it went from happy to sad in two seconds flat. "Jim, things aren’t always as dreadful as you make them out to be. Sometimes things might look up if you just got up the nerve and asked him out."

Jim took a drink of the Absolutely Screwed and said, "Ask who out?"

"Jim, we’re not stupid, we all know how you feel about Sandburg. He even knows, but he’s waiting for you to make that move, I think." Simon suggested.

"No, you’re wrong. He’s been dating like crazy lately and never staying home at night."

"Did you ever smell any women on him?" Joel asked.

"No. Why didn’t I smell any women on him, Joel?" A very drunk Ellison was a very confused Ellison.

"Because he was hanging out with us every night. He’s crazy about you. He never said he was, we could just tell." Joel answered.

"How many more minutes until he gets here?"

"Ten." Rafe said.

"I’m going to ask him out and that’s all there is to it. I’m in love with the monster, it can’t be helped." Jim was beaming like a light.

Blair came walking in the door a little early and Jim lit up like a light again. "Hey Chief. We’re waiting on you."

"All right, who’s been giving him all of these drinks?" Blair was pissed.

I have a drink for you, Sandburg, and we’ll drive you home, not to worry. You have to drink it and guess what’s in it." Simon said as he left to get the drink.

"Jim, how many fucking drinks have you had tonight?"

"Do you know that the lighting here makes your hair almost look like it’s red? It’s very attractive." Jim said smiling with a silly grin.

"All right, what have you all done to my partner?" Blair demanded to know.

"Calm down and drink this, Sandburg. It’s called a Shut the Hell Up and you have to drink it and guess what’s in it."

"Drink it, Chief, it’s fun."

"Fine and then we’re going home." Blair took a drink and choked on it. "Holy shit. What’s in this fucker?"

Jim tasted a little bit and said, "It’s Bacardi, Crown Royal, Jagermeister, Everclear and Grenadine."

"Now you have to do what the drink says." Conner said smiling. "Shut the hell up, Sandy."

"What is wrong with all of you?" A confused Blair was even cuter to one Jim Ellison.

"Has anyone told you how cute you are when you’re confused?" Jim asked sweetly.

"Jim, you’ve had way too much to drink. I’m leaving and so are you."

"I have one drink left to go." Jim said and turned to Simon and whispered loudly, "Simon, could you go get us a drink?"

"I would be glad to. I’ll be right back." Simon left to go get the drink and Blair glared at everyone sitting at the table.

"I don’t know what this is about, but it won’t work. So I’m leaving." He started to get up and Jim pulled on him and they both fell onto the floor. "Jim, you want to get off of me? You weigh a ton."

"Sorry, Chief, but we have a last drink and then we’ll go." Jim said quickly.

Simon handed them both a matching drink and said, "This is an Adios Motherfucker. Drink up."

Jim laughed and downed it quickly. Not to be outdone by his roommate, Blair did the same. "Smooth." Blair said with a laugh as he coughed and sputtered.

"I know what’s in this one. It’s Vodka, Rum, Tequila, Gin, blue Curacao, Sweet and Sour and Seven Up."

"Jim, do you have anything to say to Sandburg?" Simon asked hopefully.

"Merry Christmas, Blair. I love you."

Blair sat there quietly for a moment and said, "I love you too, man."

Jim leaned in and got his first Christmas kiss and it was a fantastic one. "I really, really want you."

"And I want you too, Jim, but we have to wait until you’re sober."

Everyone in the room said, "What???"

"Hey, it wasn’t my idea to get him so drunk that he won’t be able to do anything." Blair teased.

"You know what you are, Sandy?"

"No, Conner, but I’m sure you’ll tell me."

"You’re an Absolut Cock Tease." They all laughed as they helped poor Jim Ellison up and out of the bar. He was so drunk he could hardly walk.

Once they got in the back seat of Simon’s car, Jim said, "I’m sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"For being a drunken fool. I understand if you don’t want me."

"Jim, I love you. I want you. But I want you sober and alert. It would be nice if we both remember this night for the rest of our lives. I’ll sleep with you tonight, but that’s all. Just sleep." Blair explained as he held Jim’s hand.

Jim tightened his grip and said, "Okay. First thing tomorrow. Simon, I need tomorrow off."

"You got it, Jim." He pulled up in front of the loft and said, "You two be good and sleep well. Merry Christmas to both of you."

"Thanks again, Simon." Blair called out as he helped Jim through the doorway of the loft.

Simon drove off and knew that these two men needed a new drink tomorrow. That would be a Mistletoe Martini and the Cum Shot. Yes, those boys were going to be happy even if Major Crime had to push those Absolut Motherfuckers.

Recipes for Mixed drinks from the story:

Absolut Motherfucker Recipe

1 1/2 oz Absolut® Citron vodka

1 1/2 oz Crown Royal® Canadian whisky

1 1/2 oz peach schnapps

1 1/2 oz triple sec

1 splash orange juice

1 splash pineapple juice

Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake vigorously as to form ice shavings and foam, pour entire contents into a highball glass and serve.

Absolutely Screwed

1 shot Absolut® Citron vodka

1 shot orange juice

1 shot triple sec

fill with ginger ale

Shake it up it tasts better that way, but you can stir it if you want. 6 of those and you will be wasted for the rest of the night.

Shut the Hell Up recipe

1/2 part Bacardi® 151 rum

1 part Crown Royal® Canadian whisky

1 part Jagermeister® herbal liqueur

1/2 part Everclear® alcohol

2 splashes grenadine syrup

Pour Jager at bottom of glass. Mix Crown, Everclear, & 151 separately to layer on top of the Jager. Splash the Grenadine. Attempt to shoot & shut the hell up.

Cluster Fuck recipe

1/2 oz Tennessee whiskey

1/2 oz bourbon whiskey

1/2 oz tequila

1/2 oz light rum

1/2 oz vodka

1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps

1 oz apple schnapps

Pour the tennessee whiskey, kentucky bourbon, tequila, rum and vodka into a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Shake well, and strain into a highball glass. Add the butterscotch and apple schnapps, and serve.

'Cum Shot':

2 oz. Bailey's Irish Cream

2 oz. Vodka

1 oz. Coconut Liqueur

1 scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream

Blend and serve in a cocktail glass. Enjoy your mouth full of cum, you filthy bastard."

Mistletoe Martini.

4 parts vodka

1/2 oz. Melon liquor such as Midori

Splash of grenadine

Mix the vodka and melon liqueur in a martini shaker. Strain into a martini glass. Add grenadine. The grenadine will sink to the bottom of the glass making the drink red and green.

Dickhead’s Delight

1 oz. Kahlua

1 oz. rum

4 oz. chocolate milk

1 splash whipped cream

1 pinch cinnamon

Mix the liquor and the chocolate milk, and then top it with whipped cream and cinnamon. Then, when you wake up hungover the next day, you can sit around drinking the rest of the jug of chocolate milk.

Absolut Dream recipe

1 1/2 oz Absolut® Mandrin vodka

1 oz sweet and sour mix

1/2 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur

Pour Absolut Mandrin into a cocktail/martini shaker. Add sweet and sour mix, and Chambord raspberry liqueur. Rim a cocktail glass with sugar. Shake and strain the contents of the cocktail shaker into the cocktail glass. Garnish with a twist of orange, and serve.

Fucked Up Motherfucker recipe

1/2 oz Bacardi® 151 rum

1/2 oz Jagermeister® herbal liqueur

Pour ingredients in equal parts into a shot glass, stir, and serve.

Adios Motherfucker recipe

1/2 oz vodka

1/2 oz rum

1/2 oz tequila

1/2 oz gin

1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur

2 oz sweet and sour mix

2 oz 7-Up® soda


Pour all ingredients except the 7-Up into a chilled glass filled with ice cubes. Top with 7-Up and stir gently.

The End

Acknowledgments: Thanks to Lisa and Mary for helping me come up with ideas. Thank you, Mary, for the beta.