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Email: Patt


Santa Claus and Jim

By Patt


"So, Jim, why do you think people need to believe in a person like Santa Claus?"

"Hell if I know. I never understood how someone could believe that a guy would come into your house in the middle of the night and think this was a good thing."

"Only you would think negative things about Santa Claus. I loved hearing the stories."

"You would. You’d sleep right through the intruder."

"You’re calling Santa Claus an intruder now?"

"Well, what would you call him? He comes into your house uninvited and stays as long as he wants and could rip you off."

"Jim, Santa Claus doesn’t rip you off, he leaves things. He would never take something."

"You believe what you want and I’ll believe what I want."

"You are so negative, man."

"So you’re saying if you woke up and there was a stranger in the house, dressed in a red suit putting things in your stocking you would just leave him be?"

"Hell yes! I’d peek to see what I was getting, but I would let him do his thing."

"Not me… I would walk up to him and tell him to assume the position and pat him down."

"You would yell at Santa Claus and pat him down for weapons."

"He’s supposedly in my home, Sandburg, I have to pat him down before the cuffs."

"You’re going to put cuffs on Santa Claus?"

"What did you think I was going to do with him? I would pat him down, put his hands behind his back and cuff him and call for a black and white."

"What is wrong with you? The black and white wouldn’t want to take him. He’s Santa Claus."

"Chief, he’s an intruder and shouldn’t be dressing that way anyway. Didn’t anyone ever tell him how weird he looked all dressed up in a red suit? He must get teased all of the time."

"Teased? Santa Claus? The next thing you’ll say is you would press charges and take it to court."

"That is what I would do. What do you think I would do with him?"


"I don’t care if he’s the Mayor, he’s going to be booked if he’s in my house uninvited."

"But Jim, Santa Claus is invited into everyone’s home that has a heart."

"Heart smart, who gives a crap? There is no such thing as Santa Claus so why are we discussing this. Besides, kids get their hopes up and nothing ever comes of it."

"All right, now we’re getting down to it. What did you want that you didn’t get?"

"Back to Santa Claus, Chief, wouldn’t you arrest a man that was going through our home?"

"Yes, if it was just a man. But if it was Santa Claus, putting something in the stockings, I would leave him to his business. He’s not hurting anyone."

"And you don’t think kids making wishes to someone in a red suit, knowing they won’t come true won’t hurt them?"

"Jim, why do you hate Santa?"

"I hate the idea of Santa. There is no such thing. I found that out early in life."

"How early?"

"When I was eight."

"What happened, man?"

"Nothing, it doesn’t matter. I just think it’s a bad thing to tell kids that a stranger could come into their house on Christmas and that’s all right."

"It does matter, what happened?"

"You are such a pain in my ass, and not a good one."

"Stop stalling and talk."

"Talking is overrated, Chief."

"What did you ask Santa for that your folks wouldn’t have gotten you? I believe they probably could afford just about anything you wanted."

"They didn’t love each other, Sandburg, and I asked for Santa to make them be in love again."

"Oh, that is so fucking sweet. Jim, you knew there were problems before your mom left?"

"Of course I did, I might have been a kid, but I wasn’t an idiot."

"So you stopped believing in Santa because of that?"

"Yes, Sandburg. Now can we drop it?"

"I hate when you call me Sandburg in the loft, because it means you’re mad at me."

"I take it back, I’ll believe in Santa again if he could just make you leave me alone."

"Jim, do you really want me to leave you alone? Do you want me to move out?"

"No! I don’t want you to move out. Geeze, you’re weird today. I never want you to move out. I just want you to leave me alone about the Santa subject."

"Just promise me that you won’t say any of these things about arresting Santa in front of children."

"Fine, I promise. Now can we go upstairs and go to sleep?"

"I’d rather have you make a wish to Santa and see if I can make it come true."

"Anything I want?"

"Anything you want, big boy."

"Okay, maybe I do believe in Santa when it comes to you. Now get upstairs and make me believe."

"Ho, ho, ho."

"Who are you calling a ho. I’m not the one that promised to make all of my dreams come true. Now get up there."

"Coming, my dear elf."


"I’m going to play Santa and you’re going to be my helpful elf, Jim."

"I’ll show you Elf."

"I was hoping you would. Merry Christmas, Jim."

"Merry Christmas, Blair. I love you."

"And I love you."

The end

Acknowledgments: Thank you to Mary for the beta.