Every Day's a Holiday IV: Spring by Scribe

Every Day's a Holiday IV: Spring - Scribe

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Notes: These recipes can be found here http://weirdweb.net/jelly/ The jellybeans in question are, of course, Jelly Bellys. 2 This is a dark and hilarious tale about a betrayed wife, her unusual choice of murder weapon, and the ingenious way she disposes of it. Based on a Roald Dahl story. Highly recommended.

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March 1, Thursday

Jim and Blair were handing out lapel buttons. Henri stared at his. "PIG. I hear enough of that without giving the perps something to comment about."

"We wanted a day to celebrate National Pig Day," said Blair, "and since Jim can remember the sixties..." Jim swatted at him, but he dodged, "he thought of the acronym that the police came up with then to fight the nasty nickname. That stands for Pride, Integrity, and Guts."

Joel nodded as he pinned on his button. "I remember that well. Our celebration is going to seem kind of weak after this."

Jim and Blair exchanged glances. They noticed that their fellow detectives had surrounded them, and that they were grinning. Considering the strange events they'd put the others through for the last nine months, that wasn't a comfortable sight. "What are you guys up to?" asked Jim suspiciously.

"Well, you two made a point that a lot of days had more than one celebration." Megan pulled a small, flat orange rectangle out of a paper sack, then passed the bag to Rafe.

Rafe removed one also. "All we could think of for Pig Day was driving a pot bellied pig through the squad room." He handed the bag to Joel.

Joel took a package, and offered it to Henri, who dug in it. "We knew how Simon would react to that."

Simon reached into the bag, too. "You better believe it, but this I can handle."

There was the sound of ripping paper. "I don't like the direction this is taking," said Jim. "Maybe we should go and..."

Henri moved to block the path to the door. "Not until we celebrate Peanut Butter Lovers Day. Readyaimfire!"

Jim and Blair ducked under a hail of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. Jim said, "Oh, real mature guys. That was a waste of perfectly good candy, and... Blair! Put--that--down!"

March 2, Friday

Blair dropped back on top of Jim, panting happily. Jim reached up and ruffled Blair's hair affectionately, then said, "You do know that if you hadn't gotten me drunk I wouldn't have considered letting you celebrate Old Stuff Day by getting some off me?"

Blair kissed him. "I don't deserve you."

"No, you don't," said Jim complacently. "Now, we just need a Whippersnapper Day, and we'll be even."

March 3, Saturday

The entire squad had agreed on how to celebrate National Anthem Day. Blair was the only one who didn't come down with mild food poisoning, but then he'd never trusted the hot dog vendors at baseball games.

March 4, Sunday

Jim was brushing his shoes off, studying the shine, when Blair came upstairs. "Tie, or no tie?"

"It's church, Blair. Tie."

"Don't say that like it's so obvious. The only required wear for any service I've ever attended was a yarmulka. Do you suppose that there will be any talking in tongues?"

"I suppose it's possible, but not likely. According to Henri their congregation is fairly conservative. They hardly ever dance when they get the Holy Ghost."

"Wonder what they're going to think of the sudden influx of visitors? You, me, Rafe, Joel, Megan, Simon, and I think he's bringing Daryl."

"Henri had a talk with his pastor, and apparently we're going to make the sermon. He's going to mention Holy Experiment Day--how Henri is celebrating it by inviting us to the service, and we're celebrating it by attending, and how this is a much more appropriate way of celebrating than, say, praying to win the lottery."

March 5, Monday

"Blair," called Jim. "Hustle. or we'll be late."

Blair came down the stairs, giving Jim a suspicious look. "Who?"

"You, unless you know of anyone else I take to work."

"No, who are you talking to?"

"You, Einstein."

"There you go again. I'm not Einstein either."

Jim paused. "You know, that single word bothers me--'either'. Am I to take it that you aren't yourself today?"

"Oh, no. I'm myself alright." He waited expectantly.

Jim sighed. "I'll bite. If you aren't Blair, and you aren't Einstein, who are you?"

"They call me Legion, for I am many. I'm a rambunctious five-year-old. I'm a weary old man. I'm a hot blooded Latino woman who looks a hell of a lot like Salma Hayak. I'm the Grand High Poobah of the invading horde of Murgleflumps... If you haven't gotten it yet, I can go on."

"I got it, I got it. This explains the copy of Syble on the night stand and the video tape of The Three Faces of Eve on the coffee table. Happy Multiple Personalities Day, Darwin. Now, hurry up or I'll introduce you to my alternate personality--Mister Kickyerass."

March 6, Tuesday

"I wish we could have thought of some other way to celebrate National Frozen Food Day," Jim grumbled.

"Look, I know that TV dinners were pretty dire back when you ate them as a kid..."

"And how would you know this?"

"I read it on a cave wall. But lately, with all the research and technology, they've gotten pretty good."

"I don't care. I went from Sally's cooking, to the Army, with people cooking for me. Then I had to cook for myself and it was restaurant, TV dinner, restaurant, TV dinner..."

"Wait a minute--you were married there for awhile."

"Blair, does Carolyn look like Martha Stewart?"

March 7, Wednesday

Jim was growling. "Pork chops? No problem. Pork chops at Safeway, pork chops at Brown's Best Butcher shop, pork chops at Piggly Wiggly..."

"Well," said Blair, "That would make sense, in a morbid way. What are you bitching about?"

"About the fact that there are acres and acres of pork chops available to the consumer. Breakfast cut, center cut, loin... Chops as far as the eyes can see. Veritable herds of swine sacrificed in the pursuit of something that is best chicken fried. But look for one crown pork roast..."

"No luck?"

"I remember Sally making pork roasts for Easter when I was a kid. She didn't do lamb because Steven threw a fit over it once. Anyway, they were delicious. I was looking forward to celebrating National Crown Roast of Pork day, and what happens? I find out that due to the health consciousness of America in general, they no longer just carry them. If you want them, you have to call well in advance so they can cut you one to order. Otherwise..." Jim gritted his teeth, "The butcher said I could take a darning needle and some cooking twine and lace some chops together in a ring."

When he saw Jim's expression, Blair had to take a moment to cover his mouth. When he could safely speak again he said, "Did... did you tell him what he could do with his darning needle and twine?"

Jim glared. "He wouldn't have been able to without help. He couldn't bend over that far."

March 8, Thursday

Blair was trying to explain to Simon. "Why was I dancing to Janet Jackson in the break room? Because today is Be Nasty Day, and I don't want to end up sleeping in the hall for either swearing too much, or doing something like spitting on the floor, or wiping my mouth with my hair."

Simon grimaced. "Damn, boy, you have some imagination. Next time just rent a copy of that Eddie Murphy movie--Raw, or play some 2 Live Crew."

March 9, Friday

"Name a movie," Blair said to the Bull Pen at large, "that starred William H. Macy, John Ritter, Neve Campbell, Donald Sutherland, Barbara Bain, and Tracy Ulman."

Daryl had dropped by to see his father, and he frowned. "I think I've heard of those others, but who's Barbara Bain."

Jim sighed, "Oh, very young. Ever watched Mission: Impossible?"

"Oh, heck yeah. That rock climbing thing at the start of the second one is so cool."

"No, no, no, no. The real Mission Impossible--the television version."

Daryl wrinkled his nose. "Was that in black and white?"

Blair snickered. Jim ignored him, continuing, "Barbara Bain played Cinnamon--one of the original hot spy babes. And I'd stack her up against Mrs. Peel any day for classiness."

"It doesn't sound familiar," said Rafe. "It has to be before 2003, since that's when Ritter passed away. You know, none of those names can draw blockbuster salaries, but they can still call down a pretty hefty paycheck, and getting them all together would cost a pretty penny. This should be a famous film, but I don't have a clue."

"It sounds like one of those big disaster movies they did in the seventies," said Megan. "You know, the ones with the row of pictures at the bottom, labeled things like 'The Architect', 'The Lover', 'The Tycoon', 'The Slut'..."

"They didn't really have that on the posters, did they?" asked Blair.

Megan shrugged. "Maybe it wasn't in so many words, but there always was one in those moves, and she usually died. You Yanks and your unstated morality. I give up."

Jim looked at Joel expectantly, but Simon said, "We don't have all day for this. Just spill it, and then tell us what this has to do with your holiday nonsense."

"What makes you think this is part of the holiday run?" asked Blair. Simon stared at him. "Right. The movie is called Panic."

"You're celebrating Panic Day?"

"Precisely. I suggested letting a mouse loose in the women's room, but Jim vetoed that, and even I knew we couldn't pull the fire alarm, so..."

March 10, Saturday

Jim insisted on celebrating Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day by scrubbing the grout in the bathroom with bleach.

March 11, Sunday

Johnny Appleseed Day was celebrated by eating McDonald's fried apple pies while watching a Home Improvement marathon to celebrate Worship of Tools Day.

March 12, Monday

"Simon," said Blair. "We need to borrow your office for a minute for today's celebration."

"What are you planning to do to my office?" said Simon ominously.

"Okay, not your office so much as your office door--specifically that frosted glass panel."

Simon sighed. "I guess so. Will this take long."

"It'll be over in a jiffy. Jim--let's go." Jim, grumbling under his breath, carried a plump garbage bag into Simon's office, shutting the door. A moment later a very bright light was switched on right behind the door's glass panel. Everyone else in Major Crimes stopped what they were doing to watch. Blair was holding a small tape recorder. "Are you ready?"

Jim's voice carried out to them. "Let's just get this over with."

"All right, but remember to wait a few bars." He punched a button, and measured, droning, familiar music started up. Dah dum da da da da dum da dum...

A figure stepped between the light and the door, throwing a very clear silhouette on the glass. From the chest up it was pretty apparent that it was Ellison, but below that... The stomach curved out in a great arc. A slow, nasal voice intoned, "Good evening."

Everyone but Megan cracked up. "Well, smack me with a leg of lamb," chuckled Joel. "I miss that show."

"What's this supposed to be?" said Megan.

"I guess they didn't have the reruns of his show in Australia," said Blair. "I'll make it simple. The Birds, North By Northwest, Frenzy, To Catch a Thief, Marnie..."

Megan slapped her forehead. "A Brit. I should have recognized him."

Jim came out of Simon's office, pulling a plump pillow from under his shirt. "I only agreed to do this because the man had action sequences on both Mount Rushmore and The Statue of Liberty, and I figured anyone with enough balls to take on American icons like that and make us like it deserved his own holiday. Happy Alfred Hitchcock Day."

March 13, Tuesday

"I'll give them this," said Joel, staring at the portable television that had been set up in the break room. "they are creative."

"What's this we're seeing again?" asked H. "I can't understand half of what the women are saying."

"Takes a bit of practise to sort out a Northern or a real Cockney accent," said Megan. "This is one of the stalwart sit coms of Brit television--the deservedly notorious Are You Being Served?"

"I can't believe they let them get away with that joke about Mrs. Slocomb's pussy," said Simon, looking bemused.

"Well, she was talking about her cat," Blair pointed out. "Everyone knew it."

"Still..."

"Okay, that's what we're seeing," said H. "Why are we seeing it?"

"Because that obviously rich woman in the fur hat lost a diamond out of her ring," said Jim, "and we're celebrating..."

"How many have they found now?" asked Joel.

"I think that was the third one--maybe the fourth," said Rafe. "But didn't she lose only one?"

"If you'd been paying attention at the beginning," scolded Blair, "You'd know what was going on. Now, shut up and watch, or we won't be able to finish it before some disaster crops up."

They watched. Rafe smacked his forehead. "Of course! The rhinestone studded dress was shedding. Man, I've never seen so many people coniving so hard to do their fellow workers out of an equal share of something."

"No?" said Megan. "Who told everyone that he'd seen a mouse swimming the the last of the eggnog last Christmas, then 'tested' it by drinking the remains?"

"I thought it was a mouse," Rafe insisted. "Can I help it if someone had dropped a fruitcake gem in the bowl?"

"We need to get back to work," said Simon. "So for the record, what weird ass day were we celebrating? Double Entendre Day?"

"British Humor Day?" suggested Rafe.

"Seventies Style Consciousness Day?" asked H.

"God Never Meant For That Color to Sit on Any Woman's Head Unless It Was a Hat?**" said Megan.

Blair punched the STOP button on the VCR. "Jewel Day."

Megan sighed. "Next time, Sandy, just bring me a necklace."

**Mrs. Slocomb is notorious for her odd hair tints. We've had green, lavender, orange, yellow (not blonde--yellow) and magenta, just to name a few.

March 14, Wednesday

Jim complained that celebrating National Potato Chip Day might have once been inexpensive, but when your partner felt you should celebrate the diversity and you had to buy regular, wavey, kettle cooked, baked-not-fried, sour cream 'n onion, Ranch style, barbequed, hickory smoke barbeque, salt n' vinegar (Megan grabbed those), cheddar, fully-loaded-baked-potato...

March 15, Thursday

"Australian rules football," said Jim.

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry, Megan, but that's how I see it," Jim said firmly.

"All right, then," growled Megan. "The American stereotype of Aussies. We are not all either Crocodile Dundee, or Steve Irwin, may he rest in peace."

"Seventies polyester leisure suits," said Rafe, adjusting his crisp pocket handkerchief.

"Joining the military for an education, then bitching when you're asked to actually fight," said Joel.

"No," said Blair. "You've all gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick. It's not Everything You Think is Wrong Day, it's Everything You Think is Wrong! Day. As in 'you actually believe that?'"

Simon came out of his office and growled, "Well, here's another one for the first interpretation. Professionals sitting around bullshitting when they're being paid to work." Everyone quickly turned back to paperwork or computers. Simon nodded in satisfaction and turned back to his office. There was a mutter, and he whipped around. "And I'm going to find out who said Happy Buzzard's Day."

March 16-19, Friday through Monday

"Megan?" Rafe whispered. "Why are Ellison and Sandburg in such pissy moods, and why are you snickering?"

"Well, they spent Friday driving each other crazy. Jim ate nothing but carbs, red meat, and pork products. Blair played that stuff Jim calls 'jungle music'--loud. Blair rearranged the kitchen cabinets, putting plates in with glasses, and forks in with spoons. Jim retaliated by starching and ironing every single garment Sandburg owns--including his underwear. Both had to take it with a smile that was more teeth gritting because Friday was Everything You Do is Right Day. Saturday was a bit of a respite. Since it was Submarine Day they watched Up Periscope, Crimson Tide, and Operation Petticoat. But then came Sunday--Supreme Sacrifice Day. Luckily they decided before hand that they'd just decide what each other's supreme sacrifice would be. Blair declared that Jim's would have been giving up his truck. I'm afraid Jim got a little nasty after that."

"He declared that Blair should give up his body in wanton passion?" Megan stared at him. "I am being sarcastic. I'm not totally clueless. What did Jim suggest?"

"A buzz haircut."

Rafe's eyes widened. "And Sandburg let him live?"

"You may have noticed how Ellison won't meet Sandburg's eyes?"

"Oh, yeah. Sandburg is doing the best basilisk impression I've ever seen."

"You noticed that everyone but Ellison had fried chicken for lunch, and he had a hamburger?"

"Yes."

"Blair gave him the burger, because he said that Jim was already celebrating Poultry Day by being chickenshit."

March 20, Tuesday

Celebrating the Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day was easy--they rented Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Blair was not allowed to build a replica of a plateau in mashed potatoes.

March 21, Wednesday

For Fragrance Day Jim gave Blair a bottle of CK. Blair gave Jim a bottle of Old Spice and reminded him of the 'my grandmother used to wear White Shoulders' fiasco.

March 22, Thursday

During a lull in the day Simon found Blair making paper clip chains, Megan filing her nails, Rafe practising different ways of folding his pocket handkerchief, Henry sharpening every pencil in the squad room, and Joel making a rubber band ball. Simon told them that they could wait to celebrate National Goof-off Day when they went on break. Blair informed him that if it was on a break, it couldn't be considered goofing off. Simon asked him if having to take a day off from a well desereved ass whuppin would be considered a vacation.

March 23, Friday

Jim grumbled that National Chip and Dip Day came so close to National Potato Chip Day. Blair told him to shut up. If he hadn't eaten the last of the chips, they wouldn't be forced to buy new supplies, and yes, they were going to have French onion and green onion dip.

March 24, Saturday

"Hey, Blair," said Rafe. "It's National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day. Where are the Raisinettes?"

"Yeah," said Henri. "Fork over. I could use a mid-morning snack, and at least I can claim I'm eating them for the iron."

"Rafe, Henri" said Blair. "That would be too easy. Ready, Jim?"

Later that afternoon Megan came in to find Rafe defending a pile of Hershey Kisses from Henri. "What did I miss?"

"Blair and Jim celebrated national Chocolate Covered Raisins Day," said Rafe.

"Those aren't Raisinettes."

"No, Blair thought that there was no sport in going for the obvious."

"So what did he do?"

"He had Jim play a tape of I Heard It Through the Grapevine while he did Temptations dance moves and pelted us with Hershey Kisses. Get your hand away from those, H. It's not my fault you weren't quick enough to gather more than one or two."

"Where the hell did you get that speed?" H. grumbled.

"I practice. I hit the French Quarter during Mardi Gras most years, and if you want any beads, you get good at it."

"You don't wear beads."

"Some girls will flash you for a string."

March 25, Sunday

The celebration for this day was easy. It only took one order each at the local diner for them to celebrate both Pecan Day and Waffle Day. Blair said if they'd had a National Maple Syrup and National Blueberry Day, they could have set a new record. Jim made some comment about if pigs could fly, but that reminded him to order bacon, and Blair was too busy hectoring him about clogging his arteries to get ticked off.

March 26, Monday

"Today," said Jim, "is Watch More Sports Day."

"Says who?" asked Blair.

"Says me," Jim retorted. "Because it's either Make Up Your Own Holiday Day, or Spinach Festival Day and I do not feel like Popeye." He got the remote and changed the channel to a Jags game.

They watched in silence for a moment, then Blair said, "If I were Olive Oyl, would you fight Bluto for me?"

"You're not that skinny, and you have better hair."

"Jim..."

"Yes, you dip."

March 27, Tuesday

On National Joe Day, anyone who hates their name is entitled to ask everyone they know to call them 'Joe'. No one was much surprised when Rafe elected to participate ("I've grown to like it, but damn it's hard convincing people I had paperwork to that it isn't Ralph."), but Blair came as a surprise. "You know how often I had to put up with 'but Blair's a girl's name when I was a kid?"

"I can see your point," said Jim.

"I went through a stage when I was five where I wouldn't answer to Blair. I picked my own name."

"What was it?"

"Never mind."

"You know I'm going to torment you till you tell me."

"Oh, all right!" He paused. "It was Abbey."

"What?"

"Naomi knew Abbey Hoffman, okay? She introduced us, and Abbey was a cool guy, so I thought..."

March 28, Wednesday

"How's the corndog, aside from lethal?" asked Blair.

Jim finished chewing. "Don't start. I baked it instead of frying it, didn't I?"

"That's like shooting yourself with a .25 instead of a Magnum."

"Don't start with me. If you were feeling so all fired health conscious you'd have had a fruit juice bar instead of that fudgesicle." silence "No comment?"

"Since I'm about to get an Eskimo Pie, no."

"Happy Something On A Stick Day."

March 29, Thursday

"C'mon, Jim, I've been working on this for a week. Pick a card, any card."

"Oh, all right." Jim selected a card from the deck Blair had fanned out before him.

"Don't show it to me!"

"Duh."

"Your card is... the ace of spades."

"Nope."

Blair's triumphant grin faded. "It isn't?"

"No."

"Jim... It has to be."

"Why?"

"Oh, all right!" Blair turned the deck around and showed him the card faces. "Because they're all the ace of spades. So I didn't practise all week--I bought a trick deck. So sue me." His eyes narrowed. "In fact, I don't believe you. Show me the card."

"You said not to."

"Ellison!"

"Oh, all right." Jim showed him the card.

Blair stared. "Huh. Queen of hearts." He quickly flipped through his deck. "Fifty-one aces of spades, and I know there were fifty-two. I checked right before I started the trick." He stared at Jim. "Wait a minute... How did you do that?"

"Happy Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day, Darwin, and you figure it out. A real magician never gives away his secrets."

March 30, Friday

"To quote Alexander Haig," said Blair. "I am in control."

"You?" said Jim. "You can barely control your hair. Now if you want to talk control--ex-Ranger, here. We're all about control."

Megan rolled her eyes. "Lucky for you two I'm in control of myself, or I'd be pegging shyte at your heads."

Simon entered from the break room. "All right, what are you guys wasting time on now?"

"We're just arguing who is best suited to represent I Am In Control Day."

Simon cracked his knuckles and said calmly. "And what did you decide?"

Jim and Blair exchanged looks, then chorused, "You are."

"Damn straight."

March 31, Saturday

"National Clams On The Half Shell Day?" said Blair. "I didn't even know they did that. I know about oysters on the half shell, but clams?"

"They're great, grilled with some fresh home made mayonaise," said Jim.

"Which we will get where? We don't have a food processor, and I'm not whisking egg yolks and oil till my arm falls off."

"Granted we have no processor. We do have a hand mixer." whirr "You go fire up the grill on the balcony."

"You know, Jim, today is also Bunsen Burner Day. I could drop by the lab and..." hard Ellison stare "Right. Charcoal's out there, is it?"

April 1, Sunday

"All right," said Simon. "I know this is One Cent Day, but the next person who offers me a penny for my thoughts... Sandburg! Megan! Stop pitching pennies right now, and no Sandburg, you can't keep playing till you're even--you can afford to lose thirty-five cents."

April 2, Monday

National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day was celebrated by Blair recreating a 'recipe' he'd heard in the Dom Deluise movie, Fatso. "You take a jelly donut and eat the jelly. I think the guy said to suck it out, but I can't get the required suction--don't say a word, Jim, if you want my suction demonstrated any time soon." Blair used a teaspoon to scoop out the jelly. "Now."

Jim watched as Sandburg unwrapped a Reese's Peanut Butter cup and stuffed it in the donut, then popped the donut in the microwave for a couple of seconds. "I cannot believe you're doing that." Blair took the donut out of the microwave. "The way you take after me about some of my perfectly innocent junk food..." Blair took a bite. Melted chocolate oozed out of the corners of his mouth, and he rolled his eyes up in ecstacy. "Give me a bite. No? Well, fix me one, dammit!"

April 3, Tuesday

Rafe, and surprisingly enough Blair, were the only ones who had no trouble celebrating Tweed Day. "You couldn't get me in that scratchy shyte if you gave me a gold slip to go under it," said Megan. "I'm not surprised that Rafe has tweeds, but you, Sandy? I wouldn't have thought they were your style."

Blair spread a hand on his chest. "Hello? I was a TA, and most TAs consider themselves to be professors-in-waiting. Professor--tweeds. The only fashion combination that's more firmly entrenched is aerobic bunny and spandex."

April 4, Wednesday

Jim stared at Blair. "You make me sick."

Blair stared right back. "You have the cultural sophistication of a baboon."

"I dream about giving you a buzz cut while you sleep."

"I wish you'd quit running around the apartment in just a towel after you take your shower."

"Your mother is the sweetest person on earth."

Blair opened his mouth, then closed it. "You win. Happy Tell a Lie Day."

Go For Broke Day

April 5-6, Thursday and Friday

Jim nudged Blair. "Why has Rafe got a black eye? I asked and he just gave me a 'look'."

Blair said, "You remember what holiday yesterday was?"

"Yeah--Go for Broke Day. That was one killer game of poker we played. I've never seen bluffs like that."

"Well, Rafe celebrated it on a date with Barbara Lewis from Homicide."

Jim blinked. "'Ball Buster' Barbara?"

"Uh-huh."

"So he...?"

"Apparently so. But then, since he was rejected, he's also qualified to celebrate today--Sorry, Charlie Day."

April 7, Saturday

Saturday was No Housework Day. Try and imagine how Jim bitched.

April 8, Sunday

They had a hard time figuring out how to celebrate All Is Ours Day. Megan grumbled, "I like the clearcut ones. Donut Day? Drop by Dunkin. Dog Appreciation Day? Pet a poodle. Say What You Really Think..." she grinned, "...get fired. But how the hell do you celebrate a holiday like today? It's too damn nebulous."

No one was entirely satisfied with the solution--a game of King of the Hill with Vice on a small dirt pile in back of the building. On the way home, nursing a scraped knee and picking pebbles out of his hair, Blair just remarked that it was a damn good thing that Jim was on the Major Crimes team, or it would have been All Is Theirs Day.

April 9, Monday

Blair hooked a thumb in his belt, pushed out his tummy and his bottom lip, and drawled in a deep, English accented voice, "We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

"Sounds like a few Spring breaks I went on," said Rafe. "Who are you supposed to be, Blair?"

Blair rolled his eyes. "Oh, the sad ignorance. I'm the man for whom we celebrate this day." He deepened his voice again. "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." Rafe still looked blank. Blair sighed. "Blood, sweat, and tears?"

"Didn't they record Spinning Wheel?"

"Face-palm," said Blair. "Happy Winston Churchill Day."

April 10, Tuesday

No one in Major Crimes actually golfed, and no one could be persuaded to watch golf on television in the break room, so Golfers Day was celebrated with the presentation of chocolate golf balls.

April 11, Wednesday

Jim: "I knew that hanging onto this player would eventually prove to be a good idea! Ah, here's another Santana tape."

Blair: "Take me now, Lord."

Jim: "You're only saying that because it isn't on CD, and you feel obligated to dis my choice of electronics. Happy Eight-Track Tape Day, Darwin."

April 12, Thursday

Everyone ended up with a crick in their neck on Look Up At The Sky Day--except Megan. She said that sometimes being a woman was a positive advantage, and used the mirror on her compact.

April 13, Friday

There had already been a day where everyone accused someone else of some misdemeanor, so instead of celebrating Blame Somebody Else Day they just observed Friday the 13th--unintentionally. Everyone had a spectacular run of minor bad luck except Jim, who'd made a point of leaving his baseball cap on the bed, opening an umbrella before he stepped out of the loft, petting a black cat, and deliberately spilling salt at lunch. Yes, much to the displeasure of his coworkers, everything went smoothly for Jim.

Untill...

April 14, Saturday

Jim enjoyed the pie Blair baked for National Pecan Day. He'd have helped in the kitchen if he hadn't stepped on a dropped pecan and sprained his ankle.

April 15, Sunday

Blair usually did the crossword in pen, but in honor of Rubber Eraser Day he used a pencil. Jim accused him of deliberately mispelling 'intestate' so that he could use the eraser.

April 16, Monday

Jim: "I know that Eggs Benedict is normally made with English muffins, but we don't have English muffins, and I say this still counts for National Eggs Benedict Day. And I have to say that without even trying you're helping me celebrate National Stress Awareness Day."

April 17, Tuesday

Blair: "Yes, Jim, I know about Harvey Wanamaker's personality. You cannot buy him lunch to celebrate National Cheeseball Day. We're going to Hickory Farms."

April 18, Wednesday

Blair managed to talk Jim out of attempting to juggle, reminding him that he'd just barely gotten over his sprained ankle, and didn't really need to deal with a lump on his head. Instead they watched a tape of The Flying Karamazov Brothers to celebrate International Jugglers Day.

April 19, Thursday

No one could stand to be anywhere near anyone else after lunch on Garlic Day till Blair made a run to the drugstore for Altoids and TicTacs.

April 20, Friday

Blair: "I'll dress like you. I'll even wear one of those funky turtlenecks, but I don't care if it is Look Alike Day--get away from me with those damn scissors.

April 21, Saturday

"Why are we guiding a tour of pre-schoolers through the Bull Pen?" said Blair, answering Jim's muttered question. "Because it's Saturday, so we couldn't go give a 'The Policeman is Your Friend' lecture. Now shut up and get the Kool-Ade and graham crackers ready. They'll be here any minute now. Happy Kindergarten Day."

April 22, Sunday

Jim: "I'm glad this fell on a Sunday so we don't have to share. One Chocolate Pudding plus one Very Cherry." munch munch "Chocolate covered cherry."

Blair: "How very simplistic. One Juicy Pear plus one Raspberry." munch munch Poached pear in raspberry sauce."

Jim: "Oo, snobby. Two Lemon plus two Coconut." munch munch "Lemon meringue pie."

Blair: "Americana. Two Crushed Pineapple and one Jalapeno." munch munch "Pineapple salsa."

Jim: "I'm going to make you quit watching Bobby Flay on The Food Network. Here's one you'll like. One French Vanilla plus one Cappuccino." munch munch "French vanilla coffee."

Blair: "Not bad, not bad. Buuut... Two Espresso plus one Orange." munch munch "Starbuck's Mocha Valencia."

Jim: "That's just snotty."

Blair: "Oh, yeah? Take this! OneTop Banana plus one Chocolate Pudding plus one Crushed Pineapple plus one Strawberry Jam plus one Very Cherry..." Jim is gaping. "Plus one A&W Cream Soda, plus one Caramel Corn plus one Watermelon..." Now Jim is looking pissed. "Plus one French Banana, and finish up with one Sizzlin' Cinnamon."

Jim: "You won't be able to close your mouth."

Blair: Raises an eyebrow "Don't put yourself down like that, Jim. Remember the size of some of the other things I've had in my mouth. Now watch me." mmph munch munch gulp pant "Did it. Sizzlin' caramel watermelon french banana split. Beat that."

Jim: "Remember that you asked for it, Darwin. One Bubble Gum plus one Buttered Popcorn plus one Root Beer." munch munch pause

Blair: Okay, I give up. What is it."

Jim: "Movie theater floor." Blair gags "And I'd like to know just how you can tell that flavor is authentic."

Blair: "Midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and a whole lot of wine. Happy Jellybean Day."

April 23, Monday

Jim: "Chad gave Randy a smouldering look and said, 'Damn. It must be a hundred in the shade. I'm going skinny dipping.' Randy's mouth went dry as he watched Chad peel his tight tee-shirt off, revealing his massive, thickly furred chest, his hard nipples peeking through the pelt. Then Chad unbuckled his belt, opened his jeans, and started to ease them down his hips. Randy's heart was beating harder, and his cock was starting to swell. A tiny sliver of pink appeared just inside the jeans' gap, and Randy realized that it was Chad's cockhead. Chad purred, "Aren't you going to... join me?'"

Blair: "Get over here."

Jim: "The good stuff is just coming up."

Blair: "Jim, put the book down and get over here."

Jim: "Okay. And aren't you glad you let me pick the book for Read to Me Day?"

April 24, Tuesday

Henri was grumbling. "I come to work on National Pigs In A Blanket Day expecting a tempting sausage roll and what do I get instead? A teeny piggy bank wrapped in felt. Jim, you've got to stop Blair from being so creative."

April 25, Wednesday

Henri wasn't put in any better mood by finding out that what he'd thought was nut bread actually contained a vegetable his mother had forced him to eat as a child--one that he'd vowed never to touch again. National Zucchini Bread Day earned Jim and Blair two days of glares and sullen silence.

April 26, Thursday

"Tiny twists," said Joel, "Sticks, large soft. Those I recognize. What the hell is this thing?" He held up a shiny brown nugget.

"That's a pretzel bite," said Blair. "That one's filled with peanut butter."

Joel stared at the bite for a moment, then shrugged and popped it in his mouth. Henri said, "Damn. How can you eat that?"

"You eat crackers and peanut butter, don't you? This isn't that much of a stretch. Actually, that's pretty good. Happy National Pretzel Day."

April 27, Friday

Simon: I know it'sTell A Story Day, but so help me if one more of you try to tell me that the dog ate his paperwork..."

April 28, Saturday

By agreement, everyone is having lunch together at a local steakhouse

Joel: Clears his throat "There was an old man of Nantucket..."

Blair: "Beep. Limericks do not count as great poetry, and thus are not eligible on Great Poetry Reading Day."

Joel: "Says you."

Blair: "I also say that you're reciting it, not reading it. Anyone else?"

Rafe: Opens a very slim book "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date." He closes the book. "Shakespeare."

Henri: "Duh?"

Rafe: "Sneer if you like. Girls who wear fuzzy sweaters and glasses love it."

Megan: Megan has been wearing a sour look the last couple of days. She unfolds a sheet of paper and reads. "Unfortunate Coincidence, by Dorothy Parker. By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing, and he vows his passion is infinite, undying--lady, make a note of this: one of you is lying." She crumples the paper. "Truer words were never written."

Jim: Whispers "I guess we can assume she's once again between 'significant others'."

Megan: "You have a comment, Ellison?"

Jim: "Yes. I have a poem, too." He opens what looks like a children's book "By Shel Silverstein. My Beard. My beard grows down to my toes. I never wear no clothes. I wraps my hair, around my bare, and down the road I goes."

Silent stares, then roars of laughter

Later at home. Smooch

Jim: "Thanks, but what was that for?"

Blair: "For putting a smile on Megan's face, and the fact that it's also Kiss-Your-Mate Day."

Jim: "You know, there's been a lot of fringe benefits from this holiday thing."

April 29, Sunday

"I'm kind of glad that National Shrimp Scampi Day fell on Sunday," said Jim. He was standing over the stove, stirring the contents of a garlic-fragrant pan. "The price of shrimp would have shot the food budget for a week if we tried to feed everyone."

Blair was peering over his shoulder. "Onion, garlic, shrimp, and olive oil. Pungent. You planning on kissing me after dinner, man?"

"I got peppermint chip ice cream for dessert."

"That'll take care of it. I'll boil the pasta."

April 30, Monday

Everyone wore lapel buttons on National Honesty Day. Megan's said WHEN I ASK IF THIS DRESS MAKES MY BUTT LOOK FAT--LIE TO ME. Joel's said DON'T LET THE TEDDYBEAR SHAPE FOOL YOU, PUNK. Rafe's said POLYESTER GIVES ME HIVES. Blair's said I SECRETLY SCRATCH AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER GUY. Simon's said I'M IN CHARGE OF THIS LUNATIC ASYLUM--WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME? And Jim's said SMARTER THAN I LOOK. It was rumored that Blair had picked out the buttons, and Jim had threatened dire retaliation.

Going into the final month of the holiday marathon, it was decided by the group that if they came across any really hard to celebrate days, they could instead celebrate something for which May had been named official month.

May 1, Tuesday

Blair: "Jack and Jill. Name one other couple in Mother Goose"

Rafe: "Little Boy Blue and the Baa, Baa Blacksheep."

Blair: "Ewe, Rafe! Maybe Boy Blue and Mary, Mary Quite Contrary."

Megan: "I can tell you right now that the Old Woman would have had her kids yanked by Child Protective Services in no time. Look at the violations--substandard housing, inadequate diet, corporal punishment..."

"You know what's sad?" said Jim. "There's a whole generation of kids out there who can sing the theme song from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but can't recite more than one or two short nursery rhymes."

"And that," said Blair, "is why we celebrate Mother Goose Day." Later he whispered in Jim's ear, "Though I thought that your idea of giving me a mother of a goose wasn't too bad, either."

May 2, Wednesday

Since no one was going to turn in a false alarm for Fire Day they just checked the batteries in the smoke detectors, then celebrated Better Sleep Month by exchanging sleep masks. Blair threw the box of Sleep Right Nasal Strips he'd been given at Jim, swearing that he did not snore. Jim offered to bring a tape recorder into the bedroom for something other than aural sex.

May 3, Thursday

Jim and Blair couldn't celebrate Lumpy Rug Day, since no rug Jim Ellison owned would dare to be lumpy. Instead they 'celebrated' National Good Car Care Month by changing the oil and spark plugs, rotating the tires, and cleaning and polishing the truck. At least Jim called it celebrating--Blair called it 'vehicular torture'.

May 4, Friday

No one but Rafe touched the fruitcake that had been brought in for National Candied Orange Peel Day. Rafe commented that the flare and originality of this exercise seemed to be burning out. Jim told him to shut up.

May 5, Saturday

Jim Ellison. National Hoagie Day. A book of discount tickets to Subway. Do I really need to go any further?

May 6, Sunday

Sunday was Beverage Day. Sunday night was apparantly Visit the Can Every Ten Minutes Night.

May 7, Monday

Rafe apologized for saying that Jim and Blair were getting stale when Blair screened the Alfred Hitchcock episode called Lamb to the Slaughter for National Roast Leg of Lamb Day.~2

May 8, Tuesday

Have A Coke Day was celebrated along with National Photo Month. Jim and Blair distributed disposable cameras, and everyone took pictures of everyone else drinking Coke. There was a joke picture of Henri caught drinking an Orange Crush.

May 9, Wednesday

"Sandburg," said Simon. "Why is there a ball of yarn and a couple of knitting needles on your desk?"

"Because," said Blair, "It's Lost Sock Memorial Day." He put his hand over his heart and bowed his head. "This is for all the single socks that have disappeared into the great unknown."

"That reminds me," muttered Simon, walking away. "I gotta clean the lint trap on my dryer."

May 10, Thursday

It was Clean Up Your Room Day. Blair said, "Bite me, Ellison. The one under the stairs is no longer my room, and the one upstairs is our room. Now, if you want to clean our room, you're welcome to it. I'll be watching the game."

May 11-14, Friday through Monday

"How was your weekend," asked Megan.

"Well," said Blair, "Friday was both Eat What You Want Day, and Twilight Zone Day. Jim took full advantage of the first one. He brought home a whole sack full of junk food Friday evening, and none of it made it through to today. I celebrated by watching a Rod Serling marathon. Saturday was limerick day. My God, I had no idea how many limericks Jim knew. And those ones he picked up in the Rangers..." Blair whistled, shaking his hand. "Megan, I've been around hippies, bikers, longshoremen, construction gangs, and sailors, and I've never heard stuff like that. Sunday was Leprechaun Day. We watched the entire Leprechaun series, but thankfully the box of Lucky Charms we ate dry gave us enough sugar to get through it."

"And today?"

"You have a choice. You can either celebrate National Dance Like A Chicken Day, or National Salad Month."

"Uh-huh. Which is Ellison going with."

"In the fridge in the break room we have egg salad, chicken salad, and tuna salad. Guess." Blair sighed. "So far no one has chosen to dance like a chicken. I was kind of looking forward to it." He cleared his throat, then gave Megan a melting look. "How about you."

Megan sighed. "Oh, shyte."

A few minutes later Jim heard music coming from the Bull Pen. A man was singing, "You raise the left arm up, and your right arm, too. Let me tell you just what to do. Start both of 'em to flapping. You start your feet to kickin'..."

He opened the door and peeked in. Blair and Megan were strutting around. Their arms were crooked up, elbows bent to let their hands tuck into their armpits. The elbows were flapping up and down. Their heads jerked back and forth. The man sang, "That's when you know you doin' the funky chicken."

Jim quietly eased the door shut and tip-toed away. There were some things you just didn't admit you'd seen--not even to blackmail a lover or tease a co-worker. It wasn't safe.

May 15, Tuesday

On National Chocolate Chip Day Blair tossed everyone a Hershey's Special Dark candy bar and told them to make their own.

May 16, Wednesday

"This is Wear Purple For Peace Day," said Jim, looking at Megan. "Where's the purple."

"Jim," said Megan, "You're not up on the current way of naming colors in fashion. This skirt is not black--it is Eggplant, and eggplants are purple. So there, nyah."

"You, Henri?"

"Hey," said Henri. "You check the pattern on my tie. See those little triangles? Purple. Nyah."

"Evasions and rationalization," said Jim. "You people could have gone bold, like Blair and I. And before you say anything, Rafe, there's nothing unmanly about Royal Purple. The Caesars wore it."

"I'm not going to tell you about some of the more decadent habits of some of the Caesars," said Rafe.

"Anyway, you didn't participate," said Blair. "You're going to have to buy everyone lunch."

"Au contrare." Rafe sat and lifted his pants leg, showing off a pair of socks purple enough to make Welch's proud. "Just call me Donny Osmond."

May 17, Thursday

Thursday was Pack Rat Day--again another day that Jim Ellison wasn't likely to celebrate. Therefore they celebrated National Egg Month. Scrambled eggs and French toast for breackfast, quiche for lunch, omelettes for supper. "And tomorrow," said Blair--National Cholesterol Awareness Day.

May 18, Friday

It wasn't, though. They had their choice of celebrating International Museum Day, or Visit Your Relatives Day.

"Naomi is staying with one of her girlfriends not too far from here," said Blair.

"Steven and Dad are usually home Friday evenings," said Jim.

They enjoyed the Art Deco exhibition at the Cascade Museum.

May 19, Saturday

ribbit hop ribbit jump ribbit hop ribbit leap

Blair: "Watch it, Jim! You almost stepped on one."

Jim: "Son of a bitch, Blair! Take 'em back to the biology department."

Blair: "I didn't get them from there. I bought them from a pet store."

Jim: "Since when do pet shops sell frogs?"

Blair: "Since keeping snakes as pets got to be fashionable."

Jim: "You mean--?"

Blair: "That's right. They were destined to be snake food."

Jim: "We could have frog legs."

Blair: "One--look at their legs. How many would you need to make a mouthful. And two--I'd make you kill and dress them yourself."

Jim: "They're safe. What are you going to do with them?"

Blair: "Take 'em to the park pond and return them to the wild."

Jim: "Happy Frog Jumping Jubilee Day."

May 20, Sunday

The Major Crimes staff celebrated National Barbecue Month with a cook out at Henri's place. Much ribs, chicken, brisket, links, potato salad, baked bean, cole slaw, and beer was consumed. However no matter how much beer they poured into Megan she still refused to sing Wouldn't It Be Loverly? for Eliza Doolittle Day.

May 21, Monday

Memo from: Captain Banks

To: Major Crimes

As agreed, we will meet at Toomy's Pub after work for a meal of pub grub. Dutch treat, and in honor of National Waitresses/Waiters day each of you is expected to tip at least $5. Happy Memo Day. Got both of them. Top that.

Banks/

May 22, Tuesday

"Blair," growled Simon, "when Daryl was little I used to want to smack anyone who dared buy him a toy drum, toy flute, or toy anything-that-made-noise. Now, my squad is supposed to be composed of adults, but you'd have a hard time proving it by the way they've been jamming with those kazoos and slide whistles. What--were--you--thinking?"

Blair shrugged. "I was thinking that today is Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day. Have you priced musical instruments these days?" As Simon stalked away Blair called, "You can tell me 'thank you' that I resisted the toy xylophones."

May 23, Wednesday

"Rafe," said Jim. "Why in God's name are you barefooted in the Bull Pen?"

"I'm celebrating the holiday," said Rafe smugly. "All you other people are pitching pennies and offering each other a penny for your thoughts to celebrate Penny Day. I'm being more artistic. Remember the famous album cover for the Beatles song?"

"You mean 'Penny Lane'?"

"Yep."

"You heathen. You're thinking about the Abbey Lane album, which didn't even have Penny Lane on it."

Rafe blinked. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Penny Lane was released as a single, backed by Strawberry Fields Forever, making it one of the greatest singles ever released. Abbey Road had such songs as Here Comes the Sun, Come Together, She Came In Through the Bathroom Window, and the creepy Maxwell's Silver Hammer. No Penny Lane."

"Well, crap. I'd go buy a lot of penny candy, but..."

"But try finding any candy for a penny these days. Just put your shoes on before Simon comes in. I swear."

Blair said, "Could have been worse."

"How?"

"He could have thought that the song was on The Magical Mystery Tour album and shown up dressed like a walrus."

Jim was silent for a moment. "I'm tempted to say that's too ridiculous to even consider, but when I recall how things have been around here for the last year..."

May 24, Thursday

"National Escargot Day?" said Henri, making a face. "Snails? I don't do snails."

"They're not so bad," said Blair, "As long as you don't think about them. The only real flavor comes from the butter and garlic they fix them with. You like butter and garlic, don't you?"

"Well..."

"There's another choice, Henri," said Jim. "But you have to promis not to tell the others."

"Why are you only telling me?" asked Henri curiously.

"Because you're the only one who qualifies to celebrate the other holiday. May is also Date Your Mate Month."

Henri grinned. "I'll tell my wife she has you guys to thank for our evening out. Excuse me while I go make reservations." He left.

Blair raised an eyebrow at Jim. "Which one will we be celebrating."

"I survived in the jungle for eighteen months eating things I'd rather not remember, Blair," said Jim. "Which restaurant and movie to you like?"

May 25, Friday

click click click click

Blair entered the Bull Pen, and Simon immediately said, "Sandburg, if you dance, I'm suspending you."

Blair was crestfallen. "But it's National Tap Dance Day."

"I thought about that. There's a Shirley Temple movie set up in the break room. Six more days. God, I'll be glad when this is over."

May 26, Saturday

Jim got up early and sneaked down to the bathroom. He got an aerosol can from where he'd hidden it in the back of the towel cabinet. Checking himself out in the mirror he began to spray his hair, comb, pause, study, spray, comb, pause, study...

Finally satisfied he snuck back up stairs and slipped into bed, snickering softly. He poked Blair gently. "Whuh?" said Blair.

"There's something you need to see, Sandburg," said Ellison. "You know how I've been telling you that you're making me old?"

"Mph. Look, you old stodgey-pants," he muttered, "I haven't done anything that..." he opened his eyes and got a close up look at Jim. With a yell he scooted away so violently that he fell off the side of the bed. "God damn it, Ellison!" he howled from the floor.

Jim peeked over the edge of the bed and wiggled the can of theatrical temporary hair coloring--Silver, at him. "Happy Grey Day, kiddo."

May 27, Sunday

Once again they were struck by the remarkable serindipity of having a holiday better celebrated alone fall on a Sunday. For Body Painting Arts Festival Blair did a full torso, front and back, geometric imitation tribal tattoo on Jim in chocolate syrup. Jim had to dial his sense of touch down to half during the actual painting so that he wouldn't zone from the sable brush's tickle. However he dialed it up past normal when Blair started to remove the tattoo with his tongue.

May 28, Monday

"It's National Hamburger Day, Darwin," said Jim, "and to celebrate I am having a double-meat, triple-cheese, quadruple-bacon Wonderburger Super Deluxe. You may, if you insist, have your single broiled patty with lettuce and tomatoes, mayo on the side, and wheat bread, and I say to you--that's not a hamburger. It's a meat salad in big chunks. If you can't handle seeing me pack away this much grease and sodium, just turn your head."

May 29, Tuesday

"God, Jim," growled Blair. "I did not fuss at you yesterday when you ate that pound of poison from Wonderburger. How on Earth can you try to do it again today?"

"Because this is also National Hamburger Month," said Jim, taking a bite.

"It's also End Of The Middle Ages Day."

"Uh-huh. And how would you go about celebrating that?"

"Well..."

"You can have some of my french fries."

"I think you're in cahoots with the calendar makers. Hand me the ketchup."

May 30, Wednesday

"Okay," said Blair. "Everyone ready?"

"I will never be ready for this," sighed Joel.

"Buck up," said Rafe. We all agreed to participate."

"One," said Blair, "two, three."

Everyone started singing. "There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza. There's a hole in my buck-et, dear Liza, a hole. Then mend it, dear Georgie, dear Georgie, dear Georgie. Then mend it, dear Georgie, dear Georgie, mend it. Wi-ith what shall I mend it, dear Liza, dear Liza? Wi-ith what shall I mend it, dear Lize, with what? With a staw-aw, dear Georgie, dear Georgie, dear..."

"Stop it!" Simon roared from the door of his office. "My God. For annoying songs that's right up there with 99 Bottles of Beer and The Song That Never Ends."

"It's My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day," explained Blair.

"Isn't there usually some alternate holiday you can celebrate?"

"Well, yeah--Fungal Infection Awareness Month." silence

Simon sighed, lifting his hand. "One, two... With a straw-aw, dear Georgie, dear Georgie a straw. The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza..."

May 31, Thursday

The members of the Bull Pen were munching moist and fluffy coconut mound cookies. "This is great," said Rafe. "By the way, I have dibs on that last chocolate dipped one. But..."

"In your dreams," said Jim, taking the cookie. "But what?"

"I know what he means," said Joel. "After all the insanity we've been through this year, it just seems like the last day of the Great Ellison-Sandburg Holiday Marathon should be something a little more spectacular than National Macaroon Day."

"Yeah," said Henri, brushing crumbs off his hands. "Isn't there usually some other holiday?"

"Well," said Blair, "there is one other, but it's actually an English holiday."

"At this point," said Simon, "I don't care. I agree that the final one should be one we'll all remember."

"Yeah," said Megan. "Just tell us what it is, and we'll celebrate it together."

Jim and Blair exchanged looks. Jim said, "It's Godiva Procession Day in Coventry, England."

Everyone looked at Megan expectantly.

She stared back. "No--fucking--way."

"Me-gan," wheedled Blair.

"No!"

Jim said, "We're not talking about going through the streets buck nekkid on a white horse. Historians now believe that she actually did the walk dressed as penetants in that day usually did--in her shift. That would be..."

"Her underwear," Blair finished.

"For the last time..." said Megan.

"Time for the big guns," said Jim. "Guys, all together now."

Everyone, even Simon, chorused, "We double dog dare you!"

Blair chimed in, "And if you don't you're a girly-girl."

"And if I do there'll be no doubt in anyone's mind that I am a girl," Megan growled. She was silent for a moment, then said, "No one has a camera?" They all shook their heads vigorously. "Shyte."

A legend was born that day. For years to come every policeman in the precinct would claim to have been present to witness a nicely built woman wearing nothing but a mask and her underwear streak through Vice and escape out the back exit.

It was rumored that she leaped into a truck that looked a lot like the one owned by Detective Jim Ellison to make her escape, but it was never confirmed.

The End

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Acknowledgements: Beta by Mary, thank you very much. Thanks to Corinne for the art.