Three Things My Mother Told Me by Patt

Three Things My Mother Told Me - Patt

One of the first things I remember my mother telling me was how I needed to stay clear of pigs. And she wasn’t talking about the animals. She was arrested at a sit-in a hundred years before and wasn’t letting it go. Imagine her disgust when she found out that not only did I become friends and roommate to a cop, but I became a cop too. She told me she was still trying to process it. I wonder if she could process finding out I’m in love with my partner. I haven’t told Jim yet either.

The second thing my mother told me was never stay in one place too long. Boy, did I ever ignore her on that one. I’ve been in Cascade for about 16 years now and the last four have been at 852 Prospect, loft 307. I can’t even think about living somewhere else. I hope that I’ll never have to leave.

The third thing my mother told me was to be very careful about who I fall in love with. She explained how awkward it would be if it was a male and he wasn’t gay or bi. She watched me fall for many guys over the years and they always left me. She would have me meditate and process it. It was her way.

Those were the three major things she told me and I didn’t listen to any of them. I’m in love with my very straight roommate and for once I wish I would have listened to her. She would have liked being right, also.

She’s here visiting and we had to do some shopping for the loft. She didn’t say much as I kept buying special personal items for Jim and I saw an odd look come across her face, so I asked, “What’s the matter, Mom?”

She smiled and said, “Why didn’t you tell me about you and Jim?”

I gave her a confused look and answered, “What are you talking about?”

She said, “I’m talking about you and Jim being together.”

I opened my mouth to say something and then shut it again. I finally figured out why she thought we were together. I was buying all of the personal stuff for Jim and she misunderstood.

“Mom, we aren’t together. I just buy his personal items when I shop, as he does mine. We’re just roommates.” I hoped she would let it go. Please, if there is a goddess in heaven, let it go.

Instead she said, “Blair Sandburg, you know you’re in love with him and from what I see, he’s in love with you too. You make a nice couple.”

“Believe me, Mom, he doesn’t swing that way, no one wishes it more than I do. But we aren’t a couple.”

“Oh sweetie, you just aren’t looking at all of the signs. He loves you, I’d bet good money on it.”

I stood there shocked and couldn’t believe my mom was telling me this. How did she know? And better yet, how did I miss it?

I finally got my voice back and said, “What happened to you telling me never to befriend a cop?”

She smiled evilly and said, “Sweetie, you’re a cop now, so I’ve had to reevaluate my thoughts on the subject and I’ve come to terms with it. I totally accept both of you doing what you do; you’re both good at it.

I threw the next thing on the list into the basket and said, “What about staying in one place too long?” You told me to never do that.”

My mother picked up condoms and lube and put them in my basket. I blushed and said, “Mom, what are you doing? He’s going to think I’m insane, getting the economy box of condom’s and lube.”

“Oh honey, he’ll just think you’re being extra careful. He wouldn’t think ill of anyone being careful, right?

“I said, “But Mom, it’s the super size package of condoms and lube, he’ll think I’m a slut.”

She laughed and said, “You won’t give him time to think about any of it because you’re going to ask him out. He’ll jump at the chance. Listen to your mother for a change.

“You told me not to fall in love with a straight guy, Naomi. Jim is straight.”

She grabbed a bottle of chocolate syrup and a can of whip cream and put them in the basket. “Whatever you say, dear.”

“What is the whip cream and chocolate syrup for?” I just knew she didn’t think I usually bought that crap.

She smiled at me like she felt sorry for me and said, “It’s for your first date, Blair. It’ll help break the ice. Jim will love it and you are asking him out.”

I could feel myself blush again as I said, “Even if I asked him out, I wouldn’t need the whip cream. I wouldn’t even know how to bring that up.”

“For being raised by me, you sure are uptight about sex. Jim wants you, sweetie, so you better practice asking him out. Try it on me.” Naomi ordered.

I couldn’t believe I was listening to her. She was clearly nuttier than a pecan pie. But she was my mom and I could at least try out some pick-up lines on her. “So Jim, how would you like to go out for dinner? How is that, Mom?”

She shook her head at me and said, “He’s been eating dinner with you for the last four years. He wants something more exciting.”

I started loading my items onto the conveyor belt. I put the condoms and the lube to the side because I wouldn’t need them right now. “Mom, I just can’t say, so Jim, want to sleep with me? Can I?”

I saw the condoms and the lube being rung up and said, “Damn it to hell. I didn’t want those, Mom.” She was never going to stop interfering with my life; it was as simple as that.

She hugged me and said, “Of course you can ask him to just sleep with you. I’m telling you, he’ll jump at the chance. Get it, jump at the chance.” She then started to laugh making me want to smack her upside the head. “He loves you, honey, you must know that deep down inside, right?”

I wasn’t as sure about it but I said, “I’ll ask him out, Naomi. Happy now?”

She smiled as I paid for our stuff and we headed out to the car.

We were both quiet all the way home and for once I was glad she was letting things lie. Do I have enough nerve to ask Jim out? I have a feeling if I don’t, she will. Grow some balls, Sandburg, and ask him. The worst thing he can do is say no, It wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it?

Jim met us downstairs to help carry in our bags of groceries. I just hoped he wouldn’t get the bag with the condoms and lube in it. That would be embarrassing. As we started to put things away my mother said, “Blair, is there something you wanted to ask Jim?”

I couldn’t believe how she set me up. I sighed and mumbled, “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?”

Jim smiled and said, “I’m free tonight if you want to go to Tony’s for pizza and beer.”

Okay, Jim thinks it’s a friend night out, damn it. Naomi is dying to say something but I cut her off at the pass. “I was thinking more about the two of us at the Gilmore Room.”

Jim’s eyebrows rose up and he whistled. “What’s the occasion, Chief?”

I didn’t know what to say, so I settled for, “Just celebrating life and close friends.”

He smiled, god bless him and answered, “Sounds good to me.”

Now I was stuck taking my best friend to the Gilmore Room for what was supposed to be a romantic evening for two. I’m going to kill Naomi.

Jim picked up the bag with the economy box of condoms and lube and asked me, “Got a lot of plans this weekend?” Jim was smiling and I could tell he wanted to laugh.

The defensive side of me decided I needed an excuse. “They were on sale and you know Naomi and being safe. She put them in my basket.”

This time, Jim did laugh. “Leave it to your mother to make you buy the economy box.”

I tried to tell him and myself at the same time. “Hey, don’t laugh too hard, I saved eleven dollars on those two purchases.”

“So suit and tie for dinner, right? “ Jim switched gears so fast that my head was spinning.

I smiled and answered, “A suit and tie would be perfect.” I love how Jim looks in a suit. I could hardly wait for the date. Too bad he didn’t know it was one.

“Hey Chief, you got whip cream and chocolate syrup, but no vanilla ice cream. Did you forget?” Jim asked me and I wanted to strangle my mom once again.

Instead I smiled and said, “Yes, I must have forgotten the ice cream. Sorry.”

Naomi was listening and began to laugh. “I’ll pick some up while you boys go out tonight.”

Jim looked pleased and said, “Thank you, Naomi. I love ice cream with chocolate syrup and whip cream.”

Naomi walked by me and whispered, “Dumb as he is cute.” I choked on my water and started coughing. Jim jumped up and pounded my back.

“No choking on my shift, Chief.” He said smiling.

Blair agreed with his mom. Jim was as dumb as he was cute.


That night Jim walked down the stairs and about took my breath away. He looked so handsome and I didn’t look too bad myself.

“Hey Chief, you look great, is that a new suit?” Leave it to Jim to notice.

I smiled at him and answered, “Yeah, I got it for court dates. Simon said I needed to dress better for court. This is the first time I’ve worn it, so I’m glad to hear it looks good.”

Jim looked over at Naomi and said, “Naomi, do you have plans tonight?”

She grabbed her bag and said, “I’m staying with a friend tonight.” Then she winked at me.

A cheerful Jim said, “Well have a good time.”

I wanted to strangle her. I could hardly stand the pressure. She hugged me and whispered, “Good Luck.”

Luck? We needed a fucking miracle and I don’t think I have many more miracles in me, so I was going to have to settle for dinner with my closest friend and be happy about it.


We arrived at the Gilmore Room and the hostess asked if we would like to be in a booth. Before I had a chance to answer, Jim said, “Yes. That would be nice.”

I looked at him, as if he had grown another head. Couples sat in the booths, not friends, didn’t he know that? I was afraid he would figure it out and be embarrassed.

We sat down and looked over the menus. Man, was I glad I just got paid because this place was really expensive. But Jim was worth every penny, even if I couldn’t tell him so.

The waiter took our drink order and we both decided on beer. Then when he brought our beers, he took our food order. We had decided what we wanted to eat by that time. Jim was having Filet Mignon and I was having Shrimp Kabob’s. They had excellent food, so I was looking forward to it.

As we drank our beer Jim was watching me very closely. I wondered what was up when he finally said, “So is this a date?”

I shot beer out of my nose, it was really attractive, let me tell you. That burns like hell too. At least I didn’t hit Jim. I finally got my voice working again and say, “Yeah, this is a date.”

Jim smiled and said, “Cool.” And then continued to drink his beer.

I shyly asked, “You don’t mind?”

“Hell no, Chief. I was jealous of the reason behind the condoms and lube. I was so afraid you had someone new and I’d never get a chance.”

It was my turn to smile at my gorgeous date and say, “You’re going to get a lot of chances, Jim.”

Our food came and we had nice dinner conversation but both of us were really nervous.

When we were done, I paid the bill and we got up to leave. As soon as we got in the car, Jim asked, “Are we going to use the syrup and whip cream on each other when we get home?”

I laughed and answered, “Sounds perfect to me.”

“What made you decide on asking me out tonight?” Jim asked.

I knew he would love my answer. “It was because my mom talked me into it. She said you would be open to it, but I didn’t believe her. She’s never really been on the money before so I figured this time would be no different. So this was all her idea, everything.”

“I’m glad you listened to her for a change, Chief. She was right as rain. Now I have something to ask you before we go any further. Are we going to be exclusive? Because I have to tell you, I don’t share well.”

“No sharing, Jim, just you and me for the rest of our lives. How does that sound?”

Jim smiled and said, “In that case, could you drive a little faster?”

And I did just that.

The end

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Acknowledgments: Thank you to Mary for the beta.